Hello everyone! It’s about time I wrote another short story, right? I didn’t post one last week because of many reasons but I’m back now.
I keep seeing comedy improv related things pop up on my various social media accounts and I am enjoying it. This then got me thinking what if Malia tried stand-up? And I started laughing at the possibilities.
The Adventures of Malia & Dexter: A Useless Slogan
Malia turned to her audience with mic in hand and started retelling her account of a funny article that she had found.
“So I was reading through some interesting tweets on my Twitter feed the other day and came across an article. What made this one stand out is that it was about an angry woman sending a very amusing email to a feminine product company.”
The audience chuckled at that last bit and Malia took it as a good sign and continued on, “I’ll summarize it for you guys. It started when she opened up one of her pads one day whilst on her period and before using it she read something on it. Have a happy period.”
Malia stopped to allow that part to sink in and the audience began to laugh a bit louder, seeing the comical expression on her face. “Are you shitting me? Even I got pissed off reading that! In what universe does a happy period exist?”
The audience was clearly laughing harder now. “No, someone please explain to me where that happens. Because as far as I know, every single woman on this particular planet would love to not have a period. Ever.”
As the laughter began to die back down, Malia shook her head in amusement. “The person who came up with that slogan had to be a man and I’ll explain why with a metaphor.” She had a big grin plastered on her face.
“You know when you get medicine to cure something simple, like the common cold? But then you read all the side effects and it’s like-” Malia took a quick pause before spouting out one after another, “-chills, sweats, diarrhea, high fever, bloody stool, itchy skin, sore nipples, venereal disease, hemorrhoids, anal leakage, possible burning rash and diabetes.”
The audience was roaring with laughter at that point. “THAT’S WHAT A PERIOD IS LIKE! The actual thing itself is pretty freaking annoying but it’s the side effects that are a real bitch.” She began ticking it off on her fingers, “The bloating, the sore boobs, the cramps, the fatigue, the mood swings. I could go on all night! And you wanna know who actually knows what this feels like? WOMEN!”
The female part of the audience was whooping and hollering, even giving some whistles and claps for good measure. “World War III is going on in my uterus and there ain’t no treaty that’s gonna solve this mess until the week is over and everything is said and done. So take your stupid, non-existent happy period and shove it up where the sun don’t shine.”
That’s when Malia finally faced her “audience” straight on. She looked upon all the dog toys and the dog himself, who was wagging his cute little tail at her. While a tail wag wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, she thought she had better go ahead and ask a human’s opinion.
“Dexter, what did you think?” Malia asked as she turned back to the couch behind her.
Only then did she notice that her friend had fallen asleep. She threw her “mic” (empty water bottle) up in the air in exasperation.
He let out a snort of surprise as he rolled off the couch and then brained himself against the coffee table.